June, 2009

I just caught the young fellow who was bagging my groceries at Hy Vee as he slowly peeled back the plastic bag containing my portobello and poked at the gills with his index finger.

“That’s a big mushroom.”

Young man, you would not believe the wonders that await you in this world. Corn with kernels that are both yellow and cream in color! Watermelon with no seeds! Pizza that you have to take home and bake yourself!

Kid, I can’t wait until you discover alcohol that has been carefully hidden in Jello. Truly, it will blow your mind. Until then, please keep your finger off of my produce. I was thinking about slicing that mushroom raw into a salad, but I’m pretty sure, now, that I should cook it until it dies.

Dear Cedric Collins,

Good news!

Although you originally ordered Standard (4 to 5 business days) shipping and handling, we have given your order special priority processing in our warehouse and are upgrading the shipping and delivery time frame for your order. Your order will ship out today and be given a special priority shipping status so that you can receive your order even faster than we originally promised!

Please note that this is being done at no additional cost to you. It is simply our way of saying thank you for being our customer.

[… stuff like order number omitted …]

If you’ve enjoyed your experience with us, please tell your friends and family about Zappos.com!

Thank you!

——————————–
Zappos.com Customer Loyalty Team

Dear Zappos.com,

Done. And I’ll bet I like these shoes even if they don’t fit quite right.

Thank you,
Cedric